Have you ever wanted to kill… you?
I don’t mean the dramatic, possibly bloody version of actually physically getting rid of your own consciousness. I mean wanting to kill the you of today. Acquiring a new personality or at least destroying/revamping parts of your current?
I’ve been continuously thinking of my own flaws. The things I wish I could change – the parts of me that I want to be better. For example, I’ve noticed that I always plan certain things for myself but don’t follow through – like working out, learning to cook, etc. There are so many ways I know can improve my own life, but for some reason I just don’t do it. Why? Is it a lack of confidence or fear of failure? Is it an escape to consistency, afraid to change and fail? What the hell is my problem?
I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I know 2025 is about to end and I haven’t even posted anything since 2022. I’ve been telling myself I need to post like every week for the last three years but never got around to it. Was I too busy or just too worried about the content not being “good enough”?
To be honest I don’t really know, but I’ve not once thought to stop or get rid of this blog. I haven’t regretted paying for the domain every year even though I don’t use it. Seriously I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to change who I currently am.
To conjure my own existence. To contemplate my own being as a result of a series of choices and circumstances. Knowing that even if I think to make decision A, I might not even get the result I want. I can’t honestly tell myself that I even know what I’m doing. How do I become the person I want to be? No matter how much I improve my mindset, no matter how much I listen and follow in the footsteps of my role models like Jordan Peterson or Simon Sinek I still feel incomplete. This might be a good thing?
I know there are probably others who feel the same. However, I’d like to say that infinite potential isn’t impossible. We can always keep improving – which is probably why I have always felt this way even since high school. No matter what I do, no matter how much I “grow” I still feel like there is more. And there is. We can always become better versions of ourselves.
People talk about the rock-bottom but I’m sure you’ve never heard of “the top.” Even Elon Musk who is the most successful man in the world is still looking to improve. There is always more for us. There is always a better way or an improved version of ourselves waiting. I’m looking for mine. I hope you are looking for yours.
No matter what you want in life, even if you wait 3 years to revisit it, you can get it. As I start and continue on my journey of self-improvement I hope that whoever is possibly reading this will understand that you are not alone. We can always get better as people, as humans, and most of all as ourselves. Writing this, I kind of feel like I can fix the self-proclaimed problems. I hope, even if this is my last blog post for the next 3 years that I can come back to it and proudly say I followed through this time.
By now, I’d be surprised if anyone is paying attention, but I’d like to say that taking the time to truly think about what you want for yourself is important. It doesn’t have to be relationship-wise or money-wise etc. It can literally just be how you want to think. We can slowly get there. Just knowing what you want to do is actually pretty eye-opening. There is nothing wrong with wanting to become someone else. Your personality can always be improved. There is no real “I am who I am.” You can always change if you want to put the work in.
I’m not sure how to finish this out, but cheers to becoming the people we want to be.
Niko in Japan 