Plenty of times have I found myself feeling mediocre or simply not enough. I think I posted about it – reflecting on my blind analysis of my self-prescribed lack of…ability. Days went by and weeks went by. Always in self-reflecting thoughts about how I wish I were more or I wish I could do more. Regretting the lack of discipline I have for even simple things like consistent exercise or studying. I’ve even relied on ChatGPT – created an “ideal me” and used it as the personality of my prompt, it shed a bunch of light on plenty of things, but still I didn’t go back to it.
I’ve come to realize that this isn’t a lack of ability or a lack of discipline, but the lack of a combination of essentials. I used to study everyday, run or jump rope or do some kind of exercise at least every other day. I used to be on my to becoming the ideal person that I created on ChatGPT – not because of some lack of a feeling, but the existence of feeling of necessity that grew out of my self-development journey.
I think after my son was born I was so focused on family that I forgot about myself. I starting only caring about making sure he was provided for and my wife was happy. I know this can’t be seen as a major issue, but I stopped paying attention to what was going on in my own mind along the way. Stress and frustration built up. Until one day – a few years later and just recently, I realized what I’d been missing. And it was the sort of self-reflecting that I did along my self-development journey that focused on self-improvement in any way. That includes studying for certifications in order to one-up my self and realize that “1% better everyday” focus and the pride I had in trying to improve my own ability to communicate, work, and just think “correctly.”
I don’t know what sparked it, but I was looking in the mirror and I said “okay, okay.” I got to it and from there I’ve been studying for certifications, getting better intentionally at work, being more present even when I’m alone with my own thoughts, and even exercising recently (I go to a park to do 1000 jump ropes within self-record time and sprints/pushups etc after bringing my son to daycare and before work). It’s difficult to express what it feels like coming back to “me” but I have to say the sun seems brighter.
I hope whoever reads this – and whoever needs this – that you can find your own way either back to yourself or towards the self that you want to be. In the end you can only rely on you for your own satisfaction. Outside environments (including people) don’t matter. You sleep alone and some day you’ll be alone for eternity – so the best thing you can do is make sure you can look in the mirror and smile. If you can’t – let’s work on that. You’re not alone in this journey at least cause I’m in the same boat – or at least I was. So let’s do it.
Niko in Japan 